Dealing With A Traumatic Memory That Keeps Coming Back?
I hate asking personal questions here but I have a very strong yet irrational fear of psychiatrists/psychologists/psychotherap… anyone in that group and I need suggestions. Every September I descend into a state of depression and have callbacks to a very traumatic event in my past and each year, the flashbacks and nightmares get more intense and now I keep hearing it echo through my head and I keep having emotional breakdowns. I’m afraid to go out in public in fear of freaking out for no reason.
The memory in questions involves the fate of my elder sister Kumiko. When I was only 7 years old she was taking care of me while mum was out of town, and she had to go out briefly to get some food for dinner but over an hour passed on what is a 15 minute walk and I got nervous and went out on the porch with the flashlight every so often and called. Eventually I heard a response, a cry for help. I nervously followed it and found her crawling back home; I had no idea what this truly meant at the time, but she had been raped and beaten. I ran back home and called the police but quickly ran back to her side afterwords and tried to carry her but couldn’t find the strength and she died from her injuries right in front of me.
At first it was mostly just nightmares or a bad memory back to that night, but as I said over the years the memories and visions get worse and it is always around this time of year that it happens as it was around this time of year that she was killed. This time they have seeped into more than just nightmares but fullblown hallucinations, I had a freak out and even falsely called the police because I had entered a freak out and thought that it had happened all over but with my wife. I blanked out, but she claimed that I was literally cowering by her and pleading her not to let go of life.
Why do I keep having these flashbacks every year? Is there a condition that causes this? How can I learn to deal and cope with it? Any suggestions would mean a lot to me..